the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
