So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
