life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
