Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
