I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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