I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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