I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
