What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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