Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
where are you?
Hypothermia
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
