I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize