dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she peed on how many people?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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