You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
