the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
