I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
