As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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