Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
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