i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Terrible idea I love it
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
