i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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