the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
