recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
