I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We need a shit load of segways right now
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
