I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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