Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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