god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
