At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You took a bar mat shot.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
