and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
