Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You made out with two different species that night
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
