My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
