Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
be right there i have to get my cape
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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