Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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