so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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