Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
