i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i now understand why vodka
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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