dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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