He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize