I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
