I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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