don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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