dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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