Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize