Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
