I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
