we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize