you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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