I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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