he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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