i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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