She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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