watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
