You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
