And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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