I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
