i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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