I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
