mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Randomize
