I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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