She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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