All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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