I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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