I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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