On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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